Thursday 25 August 2016

Council of Despair: The Evils of Online Abuse

Y Gair Olaf
A Message from the Chief to All Staff

Katie Hopkins, Rihanna, Kim Kardashian, Cliff Richard, Justin Bieber and Piers Morgan are all, I am reliably informed, popular celebrities just like me, and I have to confess to a particular weakness for Sir Cliff's immortal smash hit Mistletoe and Wine which is played at our Executive Board Christmas Party every year as I lead Dame Muriel out for the last waltz. 

But I digress.

Just like Ms Hopkins, Piers Morgan and the rest, I too have become the victim of vile online abuse, according to Mrs Rees Mogg.

As you all know, I am a very busy man and do not have time to read the scurrilous drivel and effluent masquerading as journalism spewed out by a fox calling himself 'Cadno', Shipton of the Mail and various other individuals with too much time on their hands.

This newsletter and the excellent Carmarthenshire News, printed and distributed free and at absolutely no cost whatsoever to every household in the land, contain everything you need to know.

Incidentally, Miss Klebb in our press office has asked me to remind you to fill out suggestion slips with ideas to make the Carmarthenshire News even better, and I can exclusively reveal that this month's runaway favourites with hundreds of slips posted in anonymously from Trimsaran and Abergwili are "1,000 Wonderful Things - A Countdown of Dame Muriel's Most Outstanding Achievements", and "25 common sense ways to dispose of fluffy kittens".

Miss Klebb is delighted with the response and says that she looks forward to publishing lots more 'listicles', just like the Carmarthen Journal.

To the person who suggested that we publish a breakdown of senior executive pay and perks, I am informed that Security are very close to concluding their investigations.

But it is with a heavy heart that I must return to the subject of the curse of social media.

As you may be aware, a certain Mrs T of Llanwrda now owes the council hundreds of thousands of pounds, and I regret that unless we recover this money, I may have to make many of you redundant.

That would truly be a tragedy because I took the decision to fight her in the courts purely to protect you. The fact that I was awarded substantial damages by Lord Justice Cocklecarrot was merely a happy byproduct of the case.

In attempt to recover some of the money, I recently sent in Kray Debt Recovery Services, a reputable London firm of specialists.

Unfortunately they were unable to find anything of value, and so we now find ourselves forced to take more drastic measures. Moreover, KDRS's very reasonable bill of £103,769.42 plus VAT must now be added to Mrs T's debt.

The Reverend Dole, who is currently standing in for Dame Muriel, has now agreed to initiate further court proceedings. I found his words at our recent Board meeting strangely comforting: "For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him, or possibly her, shall be taken away even that he or she [delete as appropriate] hath.”

Nevertheless, Mrs T persists in making vile references to my pension arrangements and a legal indemnity which she says were 'unlawful'.

This despite the fact that I was completely exonerated by a police investigation and an overwhelming vote by councillors to reject the ludicrous claims made by an unqualified bean counter sent in by those interfering busybodies at the Wales Audit Office. 

I was therefore greatly touched to hear that Mrs Rees Mogg and a team of volunteers decided to come to my aid by trawling through a veritable sewer of material produced by this woman, toiling selflessly day and night to print off thousands of "articles" to be sent for the attention of Her Majesty's Constabulary where a crack squad is now investigating allegations of harassment.

It brings tears to my eyes to think that all of this work was undertaken at no cost whatsoever to the tax payer, and out of a sense of love and loyalty to me, a humble recipient of a great honour from Her Majesty and the most senior local authority Head of Paid Service in the land.

This demonstrates what great value for money residents are getting from this council, and sends a clear warning to other so-called media operators that publication of references to me not approved by Miss Klebb could have dire consequences.

The Chief



Lesley said...

Brilliant, as ever. Glad to see you've lost none of your acerbic wit, Cyneifiwr. We've missed you!

Tessa said...

Brilliant piece on the continued persecution of Caebrwyn.

Elderly Neil. said...

What a load of pompous mendaciousness by his eminence

Anonymous said...

Great stuff - so apt and bloody funny!!!!

Anonymous said...

Mark James and his cabal of lickspittles richly deserve to be lampooned in the caustic and witty manner you have penned. The vendetta against Jacqui is far from funny. It's my theory that Cadno's biting criticism is hurting the notoriously thin-skinned Chief Executive even more than Jacqui's blog, and he is responding by hitting out at the person he regards as the weakest foe, in the hope that it will serve as a warning to the better protected Cadno.

Unknown said...

Well put Anon 20:46 but MJ & EXEC had it in for Jacqui long before Cadno came on the scene. Anyone who tries to open this toxic Council up to scrutiny is at risk of suffering its wrath. Complainants & whistleblowers are testament to this. This is why bloggers such as you Cneifiwr & caebrwyn are so important in giving us a voice & why the CCC has gone after her (you might be next Cneifiwr).