Skittle bombs and lapses of memory

Early one morning a couple of winters ago, Cneifiwr awoke and went to the kitchen to make the missus her customary coffee when he noticed a trail of large footprints in the frost coming over the high bank which separates the garden from the lane and across the lawn towards the back door.

Had someone tried to burgle Cneifiwr Castle in the night? And why had the intruder climbed over the bank rather than use the garden gate a few yards further down?

Closer inspection of the crime scene revealed a scatter of coins around the back door which together yielded about 37p.

Burglars do not normally leave money at the houses they visit in the night, and certainly Cardi* burglars don't.

A few local enquiries revealed that one of the neighbours had enjoyed a bit of a sesh down at the Pelican on the night in question, and the likelihood was that his homing device had been impaired as a result. He had veered off course about 300 yards too soon.

Easily done, as Cneifiwr can testify, having downed several more pints of Bass than was good for him on the odd occasion. Once his auto-pilot took him back to a house he had moved out of a couple of months previously.

Perhaps a surfeit of Brains or Buckley's, or possibly in the case of the "youngsters" a night out on Skittle Bombs may be the explanation for the rumours that Inspector Dai Knacker has been called in to investigate several cases of alleged confusion over the residential status of some of our newly elected county councillors.

In order to qualify as a candidate in an election to a county council, the law says you must meet at least one of the following criteria:

• You are a registered local government elector in the local authority area, both on the day you are nominated and on election day. You can check whether you are registered by contacting the Electoral Registration Officer at your local council.
• You have occupied, either as an owner or a tenant, any land or premises in the local authority area during the whole of the 12 months before the day you are nominated and election day.
• Your main or only place of work during the 12 months before the day you are nominated and election day has been in the local authority area.
• You have lived in the local authority area during the whole of the 12 months before the day you are nominated and election day.

Candidates for the election who filed papers with incorrect information about where they live and work could reasonably expect to find themselves disqualified if elected, and even face a criminal prosecution.

Voters too might not be best pleased to find themselves having to turn out for by-elections, which can be expensive businesses.

Let's hope that the rumours are not true, and that none of our councillors had done a "Keith Davies" the night before handing their papers in at County Hall.

* For non-Welsh readers, a Cardi is a term of affection for people from this part of Wales, and they have a reputation for being very careful with their money.

A local man passed away, and his son called the Tivyside Advertiser to place a notice. He read out a few words noting the passing and details of the funeral service. The woman at the other end asked if he wanted to add anything, as he had not used up the full character allowance.

The man thought for a second and replied, "Also scaffolding at reasonable rates".