Council of Despair - That New Look Council Meeting

Thanks to some rather intimate contact with a member of staff in the Press Office after a night out in the Eagle, Sali Mali-Cachu has obtained a copy of the draft agenda for the November meeting of the full council.

DRAFT

4th NOVEMBER 2013

TO: ALL MEMBERS OF THE COUNTY COUNCIL

I HEREBY SUMMON YOU TO ATTEND A MEETING OF THE COUNTY COUNCIL WHICH WILL BE HELD IN THE COUNCIL CHAMBER AT THE COUNTY HALL, AT 10.00 A.M. ON WEDNESDAY, 12TH NOVEMBER, 2013 FOR THE TRANSACTION OF THE BUSINESS OUTLINED ON THE ATTACHED AGENDA.

CHIEF EXECUTIVE

PLEASE RECYCLE

Acting Democratic Officer:                                                   Mrs M. Mugabe

SPONSORED BY:

PONTYPOOL PVC WINDOWS LTD

MERLIN'S MOTORS (MERTHYR) plc - 'reliable used cars'

"Supporting local business"

A G E N D A

1. APOLOGIES FOR ABSENCE

2. DECLARATIONS OF INTEREST (NOT NECESSARY - Mrs Mugabe)

3. OPENING MULTI-FAITH PRAYER LED BY PASTOR M.C. BONNETT

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today for an exciting new meeting format packed with meaty matter, and to give thanks to our Chief Executive for his infallible and sure leadership which has raised this iconic Authority up to be a beacon for less fortunate parts of Wales, and indeed the rest of the world. We would like to take this opportunity to thank His Excellency for allowing us to meet here today, and all the officers for their hard work in putting together this agenda and its attendant Powerpoint reports. Deliver us from the Wales Audit Office forces of evil, and for what we are about to receive, may God help us."

4. CHAIR'S ANNOUNCEMENTS (mandatory half-hour statement on health and safety and the Law of Defamation).

5. GUEST SPEAKER: Mr Jeremy Clarkson - "Fuel efficiency and your vehicle"*

 * applies to top of the range Mercedes and Jaguar saloons only

6.  INVESTING IN THE FUTURE: Mr R Blazer from Scarlets Regional Ltd. ("a better return than any other commercial investment" - the Executive Board).

Mr Blazer will be explaining how a 4% return on your money is better than 7%, and why we should all put our life savings into the club as quickly as possible.

7. THE BIG DEBATE: "Motherhood and Apple Pie - the pros and cons"

8. REGENERATION AND JOB CREATION

Cllr J.C.B. Cashin (Independent) will tell us how a £1,950,000 grant for a hot tub and PVC window installation (with gazebo) at his caravan park led to the creation of jobs for two local Lithuanian lads.
9. "NEW HORIZONS - LIFE AFTER REDUNDANCY"
 Mrs Saccalot from Personnel will be describing the exciting new opportunities which will shortly be opening up for hundreds of our lowest paid staff.
10. ALTERNATIVE PLAY
Cllr Muriel Gravel will be unveiling an innovative new toddler play scheme currently being piloted on the Pensarn Roundabout as an exciting alternative to wasteful bespoke kiddy playgrounds.
11. ANY OTHER ITEMS OF BUSINESS THAT BY REASON OF SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCE THE CHAIR DECIDES SHOULD BE CONSIDERED AS A MATTER OF URGENCY, PURSUANT TO SECTION 100B(4)(B) OF THE LOCAL GOVERNMENT ACT 1972.
This last item has been cancelled By Order.

Members should note that this very full agenda means that there will be no time for questions.

Members are cordially invited for a sesh refreshments at the bar of the Glory-Be Evangelical Roller Blading Center Inc after the meeting.